| life isn't perfect. that i know...i've finally realized that
you can't be happy in all aspects of
your life. there's just gotta be one
portion of everybody's life that they're not happy with. they could be happy with the job they have,
yet be unhappy in their personal life.
or they could be ecstatic about their love life, and be unbelievably
saddened by the way their life is going with their family. you could put me in the latter category. for the past few days (ever since i got my
new job), i've "disappeared" from home. i didn't run away or anything like that...i'm just really feeling the so-called
"middle child syndrome". many
other middle-children can relate to what i'm talking about. the feeling where
it seems nobody seems to care about you.
the feeling where all you want is a simple "hi" from other
members of your household, but all you get is a big fat nothing. it's like when you're at a party, you see
that everyone else is having a great time, and you think to
yourself, "would anybody really
notice if i left?" it's not
like this hasn't happened to me before...(trust me, it has) but those times would only last for a day. when i'd wake up the next morning, i've all
of a sudden "appeared" to them.
but this episode has been going on for about 3 days now...and it's
really getting to me. i know for a
fact that i didn't do anything wrong...i've accomplished what was expected from
me...and all of them know that. it's so
weird...it's not like they don't notice me...they do, actually...but not in the way that people are usually
noticed. i can hear them laughing in
one room, then when i enter, dead
silence. like i was some kind of
ghost or something. what's even worse
is, when i enter a room (or area) that they're in, i stay there, and 5 seconds
later, they leave me all alone. the
family pet gets more attention than me now...and he's a DOG, for crying out
loud. i find myself checking the mirror
sometimes to see if i've really disappeared from the face of the earth...but,
sadly, i'm still here.
so now, my mind is starting to think...what if i really disappeared from this house? would anyone notice?
would anyone miss me? would they
all actually be happier if i were to leave? this isn't the first time these thoughts have entered my mind,
though...i've actually left the house a couple of times before for about a week
at a time...of course the usual messages come in..."we miss you here at
home", "why did you leave", "we want you home",
etc...but then when i come back, it'll all be okay for about a couple of weeks,
then we're back to where we started from...it's a cycle, and i'm at the
bottom...all the time. if i didn't have a job close to home (wow, home...the word has lost all meaning.),
i wouldn't be here right now, in my room, typing this. i'd be gone...away from here, maybe...or
gone, as in, GONE.
it's really sad when your own family, your own flesh and
blood, doesn't acknowledge your existence day after day. i mean it would be okay if your girlfriend
were mad at you...at least that's fixable...or if your boss is pissed off at
you...that, too, is fixable...or if your best friend isn't as friendly as
before...fixable, fixable, fixable...but when it's your family (not just one
member, mind you, all of them), it
just seems hopeless.
now that i think about it, all the problems that i've had
before COMBINED couldn't compare to what's happening to me right now...i love
my family so much...but now i'm questioning the so-called "love" that
they have for me. the "love"
that my parents have for their 19 year old son...the "love" that Cj
has for her younger brother...the "love" that my younger bro has for
his "kuya"...the love i have for them will never change...but it
seems to me that they don't feel the same way.
i don't know what to
do...God, please help me... |
